Text Rant – Shopping

Kristen – Ok, I officially hate shopping now. I’m at Montgomery Mall and I’m getting tired of my usual places: Nordstrom (boring), the Gap (I already owned all of this before), Banana Republic (too tailored unless I need work clothes), J Crew (too preppy). I can’t even pretend to be young and cool and go to Urban Outfitters. HELP ME!

Amy  – Umm, Target? Don’t panic. Go back to Nordstrom. Go upstairs. For the love of God, preserve your dignity!

Kristen – What’s up there? I hate department stores as a rule. Too many choices. I want to give up.

Amy – They have a great dress section.

Kristen – Casual, funky dresses or communion, work dresses?

Amy – Both – and cool jeans are up there. Just ignore the sizes or you’ll vomit. If you are regularly a 10, you’ll be a 20.

Kristen – That’s motivating! And do I also get to pay $200 for them?

Amy – Yes, Wahoo!

Kristen – What about slightly trendy casual clothes. Where do you go?

Amy – Dare I say Ann Taylor Loft? We need stretch dammit!

Kristen – Well I hate to admit it but it’s where I get most of my clothes. Plus, I can’t get out of their coupon cycle. But shopping isn’t fun anymore. Remember when it was fun!?!?!

Amy – It hasn’t been fun for years. We need STRETCH!

Enter Diane – Upstairs at Nordstrom? WOW, big spender. I agree with everything. There’s nowhere to buy clothes if you are a remotely cool mom. It’s either too old or too young. Macys?

Kristen – Ugh. Not Macy’s. I just want to spend some money and look good. Eileen Fisher??

Diane – Hell NO to Eileen Fisher. Get your game face on. It’s not that bad yet. Athleta for comfy clothes.

Kristen – That’s true. Yoga pants could a nice option for the suburbs.

Amy – No yoga pants unless you’re doing yoga. What are you THINKING??

Diane – Anthropologie is good.

Kristen – Oh yeah! I forgot that’s my favorite store. It’s a grown up Urban Outfitters. It doesn’t help me that I’m shopping with my daughter and she can look good in a paper bag. Bitch.

Diane – That’s why you have friends. We’ve got your back.

Kristen – Well the night’s over and I’m leaving here with a bag of cherry sours. Yum.