My Vagina Rant

I have some things I need to get off my chest. If you are offended by the word VAGINA or, you are under 30 years old and have never had children…stop reading now and go back to reading Cosmo or whatever you young’uns read these days.   This may frighten you.

I totally understand why God gave us vaginas. I mean, no pressure right? We just need to populate the world.   Of course He was smart enough to not give the vagina to the guys because we all know that just wouldn’t work.   No humans would get delivered and they would spend all day playing with it.

I think His intentions were good.   He knew we were up for the job. But here is where I think He dropped the ball.   After all those years of baby producing and gravity…stuff happens to that glorious, God- given “portal of life” It looks different. Well, let’s be frank. It’s ugly as hell and, it’s a lot of work.   What he wasn’t thinking about when he gave us vaginas was , peri-menopausal, aging, dry, greying (or purpling) , sagging, left over from years of wear and tear vaginas.    Seriously, like we have time for this?   After we raise our babies, make our lasagna, do the laundry, drive carpool and work our day jobs we have to do yearly maintenance on this thing that requires a $30 copay, large instruments INSIDE your vagina and a paper dress.    We deal with years of menstruation, cramps, PMS, random discharge, yeast infections, grey pubic hair, pubic hair that grows DOWN your leg , bacterial infections, and UTI’s .

The guys? They lucked out with an appendage that requires just a little bit of soap and water.

Now, here is where I get REALLY irritated. Recently (yesterday) due to “hormonal changes and ph imbalances” I was blessed with an infection that requires me to be on medicine that forbids me from drinking alcohol while taking the medicine.    WHAT THE ???? Yep. My 45 year old “portal of life”  that, will never give me children again, is now just giving me trouble.   Way to torture the ladies.   Give us vaginas and then take away our alcohol. Shoot. Me. Now.

Thanks for the vagina God.