Dear George

Dear George,

Congratulations on your twins! That’s great news!

You don’t know me but I always kind of thought that we’d end up together. Might sound crazy but I think we are the perfect couple.

• You’re witty, I’m witty
• You like pranks, I like pranks
• You’re a “regular” guy, I’m a “regular” gal
• You’ve got fantastic teeth, I want fantastic teeth
• You have a pig, I eat pig.

See how perfect?

You might think it’s a stretch that we would be lovers but really, it would be bigger than the both of us. The scenario would play out something like this. You’re filming a movie in DC and I’m rushing by on my way to an important federal IT meeting of some sort. You catch my eye and I hold back the vomit in my mouth and give you a small smile but act like I don’t care. That intrigues you because my co-worker is jumping up and down and crying. Not me.. You wonder, what would it be like to be with a middle-aged suburbanite soccer mom who is so confident and comfortable with herself in her Ann Taylor Loft get up? I get a coffee at Starbucks (decaf to minimize my sweat circles) you come in behind me and I say to the star-struck barista, “put mine on his tab and we’ll consider this our first date.” Things speed up from there and next thing you know, I’m flying to Italy, bathing the pig, well, you get the picture.

I am married with children but I’m sure they would understand. You’re George Clooney for God sakes.

However, now that you’re going to be a dad, you’ve kind of ruin this for us. You’re about to change. You will want to be with your beautiful babies and will feel obligated to stay with Amal (even when she stays over 100 pounds and has leaky tender breasts). Your desire to seek other moms will decrease and you’ll fill your day in a love struck fog of low key diarrhea odors, onesies and trying to grab a 10-minute nap.

I could say that I will wait for you but I won’t. Now you’re just another dad like everyone else. No more “too cool for school”. You’ll have dad jeans and sing off key and try to be funny but it won’t work. Your kids will think you’re a dork because you will be. I already have my dork at home so now I’m going to try and work it out with him.

Goodbye George. It could have been great and I think you know that now.

Love, Kristen (The one who got away)