Job Opportunity: Looking for a Housewife.

I am currently taking applications for a housewife for my family of 5.  A 21^st century June Cleaver.   I am only considering enthusiastic applicants that are willing to fulfill the below duties.  Of course, the job description is subject to change at any time.  Apply as soon as possible as I am sure this job will fill quickly.

• A driver’s license is paramount because you will spend most of your day in the car.  This however, should not deter you from fulfilling the rest of job responsibilities.  Routine round trips to the High School are typical during field hockey & lacrosse season as well as during the fall/winter theater shows

• Must be able to plan weekly meals, grocery shop for only the freshest ingredients and of course, make the meals as nutritious and tasty as possible. They will also need to be gluten free.  Please note* sometimes trips to the grocery store can be as many as 3 times a day.   I would expect you to be flexible.  I would also ask that you keep the white wine and gin (Tanquery) stocked. Tonic and limes should always be in the refrigerator.

• Must average 2-3 loads of laundry a day.  Sometimes as late as midnight.  When, perhaps, a teenager tells you they need their “shooting” shirt for lacrosse before they leave for school at 7am the next morning.

• Must be able to perpetually tidy.  This includes vacuuming the dog hair 2-3 times a week and picking up random crap that gets left by said teenager above.

• Must happily navigate the college application process.   This includes reminding the potential applicant to sign up for SAT’s and ACT’s, getting a resume ready, asking teachers for recommendations, going on school visits, narrowing down potential schools, applying for loans and financial aid, being aware of deadlines and keeping a nice notebook of “tips” for child #2.

• Should be able to counsel and manage typical teenager behavior.  This also includes helping a 12 year old,non verbal child with autism ,communicate via a letter board.  You will also be required to help with homework and last minute projects.

• Also, there is no pay.  You will fulfill these duties with a smile and the gratitude that you are helping my family.  Consider these your “benefits.”

• None of the above duties can be negotiated.

I am looking so forward to filling this job quickly so that I can go to my jobs without the worry of the above items and just come home to a hot delicious meal and a refreshing glass of wine!  I will anxiously await your response to this ad.